Part of having a company vehicle is tracking the fuel cost…and the receipts.

Much to my dismay, at 5am this morning, I was forced to stop at the corner Exxon to fill up the car and the pump didn’t spit out a receipt for my purchase.

Getting gas in company vehicle + not producing a receipt = a poorer MTAE.

This meant that actual human interaction with an overnight register jockey was going to be required…and I just happened to pick the gas station that locks the doors so no one can get inside.

I walk up to the window and he says nothing as we stare at each other.   I start the conversation…

“The pump didn’t print my receipt.  Can I get a receipt please?”

“Which pump?”

“Four.”

He looked at the “whatever he has back there…”Are you sure?”

I turn and look behind me.

1.  There is ONLY one car at the station.

2.  The numbers on the side of the pumps are bigger than my head.

“Well…I didn’t move my car after I filled it.  If I did, I might have moved it closer to the window.”

“Are you sure you actually put gas in it…I don’t show anything on that pump.”

With all of this stimulus money being passed around and government health care coming, wouldn’t it be a good idea to get EVERYONE’S  IQ tested?

And after it gets tested, we could get it tattooed on our foreheads.

That would serve multiple purposes…

1. It would let me know, in advance, if I was about to enter a debate with the functionally retarded and just ease up a bit.    When fighting a guy with no arms, your “A Game” isn’t required…maybe you’d just use your left hand.   The same can be said when Brain Battling a person with a “70″ IQ.  I could down a six-pack and a Xanax and win easily.

2. It would allow some people to realize just how dumb they are…and shut up.   Those are the people that will have to get it tattooed backwards on their forehead so they can read it in the mirror.  The next part has two version…one more offensive then the other…

(Edited) *But they could skill get their “69″ confused for a “96″ and believe they rode the small bus in school just because it was the only one that came to their neighborhood.*

(Un-edited) But they would get their “69″ confused for a 96 and believe that their parents named them Corky just because they liked wine…

3. It would let me know which aisle to pick at the grocery store.   No matter how many people are in line, I would ALWAYS choose the one with the highest IQ score…I can guarantee the higher a cashier’s IQ, the quicker they get customers in and out of their line.  It would also allow me to avoid this conversation…

*As I place the fruit on the bet that I was instructed to get in my wife’s email earlier in the day*

“Uh…is this a pear?”

“No.   It is an apple.”

“But apples are red.”

“I guess this one isn’t ripe yet.”

“Ha! Ha! Ha! So it is a pear?”

“Sure.  It’s a pear.”

4. It would let me know, when trapped in a mental battle with an unarmed participant, that “Hari Kari” might be the only way out.

While listening to my favorite radio personality today, I couldn’t help but be in stitches at the group debate their potential IQ Test results that they are going to unveil tomorrow.

They test “whack packers”…people who call into the show and various staff members.  Bets are taking place and point spreads are being given.

It made me think about how fun it would be get a real test taken of the people we work with and how closely the results would compare to our impressions of them…

I am pretty sure that I could take any 10 of people I am around everyday and rank them in order of their results.

It was funny listening to the people who didn’t think they did well on the test already setting up the unreliability of the tests as any realistic measure of intelligence…

…that they’d rather be “street smart.”

Tunes will surely change if they actually had a good result despite not sleeping well…or being nervous…or having  eaten a big breakfast…or the heat index being too high.

I had an odd job offer once that required two IQ tests…and that was an eye opening experience.

Here is a taste of IQ result ranges.

IQ	Description	% of Population
130+	Very superior	2.2%
120-129	Superior	6.7%
110-119	High average	16.1%
90-109	Average	50%
80-89	Low average	16.1%
70-79	Borderline	6.7%
Below 70	Extremely low	2.2%

The fun part of tomorrow is going to be hearing people get outperformed by people they feel are not as bright as themselves.

Being in the under-educated group of the office, I can sympathize with the under-educated people of the earth.

So…as a group, I challenge ALL of you to rank your co-workers by their suspected intelligence.

Please…discriminate at will.

Judging on your own scale will allow you to use things like…

1.  Poor hair coloring.

2.  Nose picking.

3.  Odor.

4.  Ability to match clothes.

5. The suspected intelligence of their children and spouses.

If you are a homemaker or retired, I guess you get to rate your kids and spouses against yourself.

Rating yourself on top of ANY self-made intelligence list gets you a top spot on a bad list…

The Narcissism list.

Our lives are horrible.

It never ends.

You can tell a story about not feeling well and there is always someone around who feels worse.

Malaria?

HA!  Ebola!

Think you are busy at work, the person next to know will let you know that you have NOTHING compared to what they have on their plate

Hot isn’t even “hot” anymore.  One hundred degrees isn’t hot enough for humanity.   We had to invent something to make is seem hotter.

The Heat Index.

My wife now quotes a “heat index” of 111 degrees.  The heat index is a combination of heat and relative humidity…and it really lets you know if it is HOT or F*CKING HOT!

Saying that it is 95 degrees isn’t bad enough…”if I add the humidity into the equation it is 101.”

Hot just isn’t hot enough.  Now we have to invent something to make it seem worse than it really it.   If you are even discussing a heat index, you know you might want to wear some shorts, a light shirt and…sandals or flip/flops are still banned.

The same for the cold.   If someone is discussing “windchill” put on a hat…chances are that it is F*CKING COLD.

These are bogus statistics.

If the wind is used to calculate the “coldness” for the windchill, why don’t we use it in the summer to lower the “heat index?”

Because we want it say it is worse that it really is…

So, leave your Heat Index and Windchill for the whiners and complainers.

Recently, a fellow blogger asked about the douche level of certain tattoos since he was getting ready to decide on his next inking adventure.

He took it awfully well when I let him know, since he asked, that all tattoos are inherently douchey.

Getting tattoos are a lot like having children…

• Most of them happen during incidents involving alcohol.
• They seem like a good idea until you get home with it and it leaks all over everything.
• After about three years, someone convinces you, despite the embarrassment of the last one, that you should have another.
• The cost of getting rid of one is more than you ever imagined.
• No matter what it looks like, you insist on showing it to everyone.

All that I ask is that if you ask me what I think about the appearance of your tattoo…or kid…you have to listen.

I will do you the honor of telling you the truth…unless we are talking about “jailhouse tattoos.”

I think I have the ability to spot a “jailhouse tattoo” quickly and exceptions will always be made if I think the ink off of your tattooed knuckles might rub off on my forehead or teeth.

You can also expect me to let you know, if you insist on asking, what I think about photos of your kids too.

In the two and a half years that I have been “morethananelectrician,”  my most popular post is also the post that has brought me the most hate mail.

Your kids are ugly.

I also used parts of that in the set I did on stage last summer.  It received some negative reaction…probably from parents with ugly kids.

It is time to bring this one back out of the closet and get back on stage…with a few modifications for the members of the audience with tattoos.

I think I will end up offending both people with ugly kids and ugly tattoos.

Unless they have  “jailhouse” tattoos.

Life is a funny balance between creativity and conformity and our survival is dependent on both of them.

Many of us have to put on a mask to make a living in order to provide for ourselves and our families.     That “mask” doesn’t allow us the freedom to tell our bosses that their plans are as well thought out as streaking on a baseball field during the seventh inning stretch.

You have the freedom TO streak, but not without retribution…you know that you are going to get the business end of a taser.

So…most of us have to do and think how others think for certain periods of the day.   That, despite most arguments one might have, it is a reality to anyone that has a car payment, a mortgage, rent or food to put on a table.    Even those who do not work, have family responsibilities that dictate some of their behaviors.

We are all a victim of conformity.

But it is bleeding into the non-responsibility portions of our lives.

People are turning into robots.  Society has turned everything into a black or white issue.

You are either a “Mac” or a “PC” person.

Photo credit

If you aren’t a Democrat or a Republican…you are labeled a freak.

Look at the condition our country is in right now.  Half the people will repeat what they ear on one network and two or three radio stations and the other half quote the other 90% of the news media.

Most everything is either Obama’s fault or the Bushes fault.   If you listen long enough you might be able to ear someone blame Clinton or Reagan.

Has “free-thinking” died?

That is a rhetorical question.   Free thinking has died.

Most of my theories regarding HOW this happened would put me in the “freak” category by society’s standards.

I have long-lost faith in my solution to the problem actually working.

It would mean that people would have to educate themselves instead of blindly following what Fox News, MSNBC, The New York Times or Sean Hannity tell them to think when they aren’t “on the clock.”  It would mean that people would have to stop gathering news from links provided by the Drudge Report and the Huffington Post.

Listening to them is the easy way out…and bordering on lazy.

It would mean that people would have to read and think for themselves instead of simply repeating talking points spouted out by groups with a financial stake in things remaining the way they are now.

I am not saying to be skeptical of everything you hear or read, but just look at the source and take it into consideration while analyzing what you are seeing.

Read a book or two on the economy for an hour instead of watching  Keith Olbermann or Glenn Back.

But this country is still the best place to live and a person still has the freedom to be a “freak” and the right to be a “robot.”

There isn’t much I love more than sitting in an airport and watching random travelers.

The only thing that tops it is sitting at home and not watching random travelers.

Since I am the “Chicken Little” in every situation, traveling is tough for me.  It isn’t a “plane crash” scenario…it is an everything else scenario.

I panic about oversleeping, getting caught in traffic and missing my flight, forgetting my ticket at home, having a round of ammunition fall in my carry on bag…it doesn’t really stop.

My wife says that most nights, even when not traveling, I sit up in bed and look at the clock four or five times a night, but not on the weekend.  Only when I have to get up the next morning for something…like work.

It probably explains why I am looking at the clock when it goes off in the morning…or even getting up and shutting it off before it ever sounds.

It also explains why  never really feel rested.  Traveling makes it five times worse because of being away from my family, my bed and my bathroom…which means that I really don’t eat when I am away from the house.

There will never be a “sleep aid” for me…for many reasons.

I think that I would make an excellent case study for some aspiring psychiatrist.

Any volunteers?

Since I am too cheap to pay the $6 for the Atlanta airport Internet…and that the last time I tried, I had to format my computer because the airport’s program took control of it, I decided to stay away from it this time.

So, you get a rambling Word Document of my thoughts during a multiple hour layover in Terminal B of the Atlanta Airport.   My last trip didn’t allow for any time for lingering…only running.

But, I seem to remember being stuck in Terminal D before that.   There seems to be a different class of people in B.   I think this is the “other side of the tracks” terminal.

Here we go…

I couldn’t tell you the specific age when a woman should be forced to wear a bra, but I know it when I see them staring at me…or better stated…staring at the floor.

I really do sympathize with a woman alone in an airport with multiple kids while one is throwing a tantrum…I’d help her if it wouldn’t get me permanently banned from being within 100 feet of an elementary school.

If there are two parents and only one kid who is doped up on caffeine?   Leg sweep.

It IS inappropriate for me to believe I should be able to catch a nap in the terminal during my layover.   It is NOT inappropriate for me to believe this same child should not catch me with an atomic leg drop.

Speaking of caffeine, I get that Coca-Cola is a Atlanta based company, but I shouldn’t have to buy a Mt Dew from the gate workers running a black market PepsiCo smuggling operation in the B Terminal.    You can still buy marijuana in Cleveland despite the town being the crack capital of the world.

I also sympathize with Harry Handcock.  The lady at the gate called four names and NO ONE looked up until she called for “Harry Handcock.”   Even the foreigners with dots in the middle of their head were laughing at his misfortune.

Call me guilty of stereotyping, but I am 5 for 6 in picking out people with Apple computers without seeing what they were using…they have a “look” and most of them aren’t wearing shoes.

I can tell a lot about a person by the condition of their socks in the security screening line.  You should consider that when dressing before leaving for the airport.

Everything is more expensive to buy at an airport…except for Starbucks.   They charge airport rates out in town.

Hmm…a crossword puzzle.    I haven’t seen someone working on one of those in a long time.  I hunted through the rest of the gate looking for a Rubik’s Cube…maybe I had accidently boarded a time machine in Georgia.

This flight is so far down the terminal that I am surprised the aisle is made of a solid surface…maybe they should be dirt roads.  It would be appropriate since, evidently, vacuum cleaners don’t work down here.

Those “neck pillows” would probably make a better toilet accessory than an actually airport sleep aid.

Don’t complain about the lack of space in the overhead bin if you are the last one getting on the plane because you are out in the terminal talking on your cell phone about other ladies being rude.

Call me a flip-flopper, but, after three hours in this terminal waiting for my flight, I have made some major policy changes on my platform.

• Tennis shoes should no longer be worm with jeans.   It looks wrong.  A casual shoe or boot is appropriate.   My position on sandals or flip flops NEVER being appropriate footwear still stands.
• Eyebrows should be trimmed for length…especially if they are long enough to be braided.   I was neutral on this topic until today.   I am going to have to perform a self-inspection in the morning.
• The only appropriate times for a male to be wearing a “backpack” is when he is going to Kindergarten or invading a country. (In the military world, the term is “rucksack.”)
• A nice pair of slacks and shirt can make almost anyone look decent.   Except a plumber…some things are impossible.

“Put that Down!!!!” I yelled as I could see the end of my street.

I don’t think it is a secret that I am “training” for a 1/2 Marathon.

Three years ago, I would have considered that a major endeavor…but after a couple of full and half Marathons, I have realized that completing one of these events is an overrated physical accomplishment.    Achieving a fast time is another matter.  Most of the running battle is in the brain…assuming there are no great physical handicaps to overcome.

These are psychological tests are completing the daily training and pushing your body when it is pleading with you to stop on race day.

This was a hot day and I like making my long weekend run when it is hottest.  My theory is that if I train when it is hotter than on race day, then it will be that much easier…or it is just masochism.

Baseball players use the same theory…

Back to today…it was probably about 92 with 80% humidity and he plan was to get eight miles in before I melted.

My normal eight mile route is four miles out and four miles back, but because of the heat, I decided to make two passes of my four mile loop instead.    This would allow me to be never more than two miles from the house in case there was a heat related issue and allow me to stop for some water at the half way point.

I have never liked running with a water bottle in my hand and this…

is too dorky for even me.

After 3.7 miles, I turned right into my neighborhood and was looking forward the water waiting for me…it was REALLY hot.

At 3.8 miles, I made sure I stayed slow and steady since I still had a little over four miles to go…

At 3.9 miles…

There was somebody eating my porridge!!!!

Well…at least he had my water bottle in his hand.

“Hey!!!!  Put that down!!!!!” I yelled.

He dropped it, but took off running.   Catching him would serve no real purpose, but I knew I was in shape to give him a good chase…

If he run on the sidewalk and didn’t jump any fences.

But…what would be the point?

Even if the amount in the bottle was the same as when I placed it behind the communication pedestal and the top was still closed, I wasn’t about to drink from the bottle before it I cleaned it thoroughly.

It was enough to disturb the psyche of my run…even more than when I was actually struck by a Buick (which was a year ago)!

I went home and called it a day to a cold Same Adams Summer Ale.

Even if it does taste a little like Pledge…

It is nice coming home to this…especially after the voicemail I received by my son was that “EVERYTHING WAS ON FIRE!!!!”

And nothing smells better than any kind of trash truck on fire…

By now, if you haven’t heard about Mel Gibson’s taped tirades, you are more out of touch with what is going on in the world around you than my wife.

Celebrity Rants are SOOOO cool.   Howard Stern always has a blast analysis these when they happen and today was no different.    Here are some of the best celebrity rants caught on tape.

Christian Bale

Casey Kasem

Bill O’Reilly…Old School.

Micheal Richards…Whoops.

This is better way to rant…stupid Larry King!

Alec Baldwin