Last night (actually afternoon, which bled into the early evening), I was “forced” into a business outing with some people from out of town.   I was the “lowest ranking” person of the group, so I wasn’t in a position to determine our destination or time of departure.

The one thing that I have learned to control is that I drive myself to these outings.   This ensures that I have an escape plan at all times.  

As usual. late afternoon turned into early evening and they were getting “warmed up”,  while I was looking for may escape plan.    Having a Blackberry allowed me to email my wife and tell her to call me ASAP.    She called and I made my way outside and told her that I was on my way home.   Everyone saw me head out to answer the phone and when I returned, I told them that I had an issue to take care of as home and needed to leave.

I abandoned the group just before they were about to cross a point of drunkenness they would all regret in the morning.

My plan was PERFECT…except that I didn’t go to the bathroom before I left.

I knew it immediately, but I didn’t want to go back in and reveal that my “issue” at home was not a real emergency and indeed just a ploy to escape their early start to Oktoberfest.

When I got on the road, I knew that I was going to have to empty my bladder somewhere…soon!

I spotted a Hardee’s.   BINGO!   I do have an issue about public bathrooms,  but being a guy, I can pretty much go in and out of there without touching anything other than paper towels.   I pushed the door open with my foot and made my way to the urinal.  I could tell from the odor, that either someone had been in there recently or that someone was in there now…”taking care of business.”

As I am standing there doing “what guys do” in the bathroom, I hear some one say…

(whisper)

“Hey!”

I ignore him.

(A little louder)

“HEY!”

I continue to pretend that I am not there.

(Now the voice is panicked)

“Man!  There is no toilet paper in here!”

Finally I respond, “There is none out here either.”

His even more panicked response, “Can you hand me some paper towels? You can’t leave a guy hangin’”

The conversation alone violates so many of my rules…let alone many other bathroom rules that I have.

1.  There is to be no talking in the bathroom.

2.  There is to be no talking to people who are holding part of their anatomy in their hands.

3.  There is to be no talking to people who aren’t wearing pants.

4.  There is REALLY no talking to people who are holding part of their anatomy in their hands, aren’t wearing pants and probably have POO on their butt.

(Exemptions of this rule is if the person is one of your own children.)

I “finished” what i was doing, washed my hands and proceeded to tear off two pieces of paper towels.   I used the small piece to grab the piece that I was going to give him to “use”  to perform the deed.

As I walked to the stall, he opened the door and I handed him the paper.  I had no intention of seeing him and hoped that it was going to be an “under the door transaction, but he opened the door too quickly. 

I turned my head and never made eye contact with him or ANYTHING of his.

He thanked me and I washed my hands again, grabbed an extra piece of paper towel to open the door and left. 

As I was walking to the van, I couldn’t help but think what that guy was doing with the paper I had just given him.

I used the hand sanitizer that I keep in my van to attempt to remove the “bathroom germs” from my hands.