Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | August 4, 2011

1993-A Very Busy Year

I spent the entire year driving between Berlin and Goslar Germany coaching football and pretending to still be in the Army.

It is probably how I missed this.

I heard it on the 90s channel on the satellite radio on the way home.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | August 3, 2011

No, but I slept at a Holiday Inn.

A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity, or possibly the misfortune,  to spend a lot of time around some really dumb people who did a lot a dumb things.

I also had the opportunity to be out in public places frequently, which ALWAYS led to good stories.

My work days are spent mostly inside around people who I really won’t write about, so, when I had the opportunity to be OUT today, I stopped somewhere for lunch.

Not a big lunch (because of my public bathroom issues) but just to spend 30 minutes in a public place watching people…A Steak and Shake.

I hadn’t been to one of these before and, since there was a place to sit at the bar and watch the kitchen workers, I thought trying to catch one of them picking their nose and cooking would be fun.

Other than noticing 20 people in this kitchen preparing for the lunch rush in a VERY efficient manner, there was nothing very exciting happening.   In a busy kitchen it is very easy to spot the dead weight…but that was boring.

Then it happened.

Through the front door walked a lady dragging a four-foot long cooler.

For the next 15 minutes, the manager and three staff members helped this lady load about 50 shakes into this cooler.   Since I was next to the cash register, I was “fortunate” enough” to have this lady tell me that she was buying the shakes for a retirement party and that she had a two and a half hour drive to get these shakes to their final destination.

I guess these shakes must be orgasmic, but I didn’t really care…she wasn’t entertaining enough for me.

Until she started to pay.   She had them ring up these shakes in a group of five, then she would pay…then another group of five…then another exchange of money.  By third or fourth transaction, there was a line of partons waiting behind her to pay and they had actually began encroaching in MY space…and my issues with people violating my space are only surpassed by my issues with public restrooms.

Finally, someone behind her asked about the shakes and the cooler….they weren’t there for the first edition of the story.

She told them that she had almost 180 miles to drive with these shakes.

This is when I interrupted, “180 miles?  That’s about three hours, isn’t it?”

Sure.” She replied

“You might have a problem. I guess I misunderstood you,”  Without the manager listening, I continued, “The coolers they kept those shakes in waiting for you were about 30 degrees, but not your cooler.”

“‘I’ve got ice in there.”

“Sure, but the ambient temperature in that cooler is going to be dropping as the ice melts.”

I scratched my chin.  “You’ve got about 60 minutes before that temperature rises above 30 degrees and it will rise about one degree every 10 minutes until it levels out at about 40 degrees.”


“Sure.  That means in about two and a half hours those shakes will be melted.”

“How do you know?”

“Ma’am.  I don’t mean to boast, bu I hold a PhD in Chemistry from the University of Michigan…but this is really common knowledge…I think.”

I looked around, but no one understood what I was talking about…because I didn’t know what I was talking about.

“Listen,” I said to her, “my suggestion, if you want to save these shakes would be to buy another cooler now.  After driving an hour, stop and get another couple of bags of ice to put in the other cooler.  After another 30 minutes, stop and switch all of the shakes to the other cooler.”

“Will that work?”

I couldn’t believe she was still on board, but it was too late to stop.

“It should, but you might have to stop and repeat the whole process one more time just to be safe.”

It is nice to be back again.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | August 2, 2011

Where to Start?

Despite my “awakening” occurring eighteen years ago, I remember the moment like it was yesterday.

As a twenty one year old soldier surrounded by nine Germans in a room not much larger than a modern SUV, the first thing on my mind, since I was in their hometown, was not to look too Jewish.

Filled with James Dean impersonators, beer bottles and cigarette smoke, this small room was typical of most rooms full of twenty-something Germans in the early 1990s.

Despite the added attention of being the only American in the room, I managed to sit quietly and just listen even though the only German I had learned at this point was from dubbed episodes of Married With Children.

No one in the room seemed to take notice as the oldest “James Dean” began pulled a rolling paper out of his pocket, began cutting open his Marlboro and spreading the tobacco on the paper.

He added a grassy looking concoction mixed with seeds, licked the paper and lit his homemade cigarette.

At that moment, I still didn’t understand what was happening.

After his two drags on the cigarette, I was still clueless.

But, as he passed the cigarette to the person next to me, I noticed the smell.

It was that very second that the previous twenty one years of my life became clear.

For as long as I could remember, there was always a room in my house that smelled exactly like this marijuana cigarette.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | August 2, 2011

Welcome Back

He’s Baaaack!!!!!!

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | October 12, 2010

Paul is Dead?

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | October 10, 2010

An Addition to My “List”

As far back as I can remember, I have had a “list.”

This “list” has evolved over time, but I can’t think of anyone that has actually made it off of the list.   People can impact the number they possess on the list, but only by someone else passing them in feats of selfishness and ruthlessness greater than I have uncovered.

Having a person lower themselves on  my list, while would be a positive thing, is not something that can actually happen since, to do so, would mean that they were capable of performing any act of kindness to another person.   

And this just isn’t possible.   Because a person doesn’t make the list if they are capable of kindness.

As I have grown older, I can say that the list has evolved to add a category…a preferred method of demise.

Through my experiences of the last three months, I can say that I have met someone who has cracked my top ten list.

(The complete list is currently 53 people deep.)

He deserves to be stalked until his demise is complete…I only wish I had the time to take care of this myself.

His name is eighth on the list…and in the column next to his name, it says…

“Beaten with a circa 1981 20″ console television.”

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | October 7, 2010

Five Thoughts 10-7-10

1.  How ironic is it that the Postal Union can’t seat their next President because many of the ballots were lost…………in the mail.

2.  I am guessing that it is “inappropriate” not to be surprised that the state with the largest child autism rate is also the same state made famous for inner-family marriages….West Virginia.

3.  Uh-Oh. It looks like Brett Farve has been trying to rest his hands in another center’s crotch.

4.  A lawyer drumming up business by chasing ambulances is considered in poor taste, but a hearse driver drumming up his own business in crosswalk should probably be illegal.  A Macomb County man was struck by a hearse today

5.  I was reading that New York is going to be banning people on food stamps from buying sugary drinks. Damn that is harsh! Next thing you know they’ll be banning them from buying crack and hookers with food stamps.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | October 6, 2010

Just Piss on Your Hands

The nicest part of being sick is how great you feel when you are better.

I am probably at about 70% but I feel like 100%.

It is so nice to be able to clear my throat without making my eyeballs hurt.

It is even nicer to be able to exhale after a deep breath without having a flemball the color of Dijon mustard come out of my mouth.

The realization came at about 1pm today that I had made it over the hump…I was just too busy to realize it.

The cause of my illness would have to be blamed directly on my one of my flights.   Recirculated air and flight delays with a bunch of people coughing aren’t a good combination.

I am not a germaphobe, but I don’t use public restrooms for anything other than peeing for multiple reasons.

One of which is the desire to never be in a place with my pants around my ankles in the same room as another man with his pecker out.  The other reason is that bathrooms are gross, people touch faucets and valves with their hands BEFORE they wash them…assuming that they wash them.

Think about this…

1.  You use your hands…I only need one hand for mine :( … to touch your private part when you pee.

2.  You touch the faucet when you go to wash your hands.

3.  You wash your hands.

4.  You touch the faucet that you just touched with your pecker infected hands.

5.   You touch the door handle and leave.

You should have just pissed on your hands and saved the water.

6.  I come in behind you.

You should just wait and pee on me.

The invention of auto-flush urinals are a nice “touch.”  And I am a fan of them.

The bathroom by my office has one, but that bathroom urinal was closed for the last two days…but a person could still pee in the toilet.

I went to the other bathroom.

Today the urinal was open for use again.

But the “auto-flush” valve was replaced with a manual flush valve, but the time that I discovered the switch, I was already midstream.

I was going to have to do something…other than touch the piss infected valve.

Maybe I could use my elbow.

I finished…went and got a paper towel despite knowing that he last person that washed their hands did so with hands infected from the piss covered faucet.

I flushed with the paper towel and used another to turn on the faucet, washed my hands and opened the door with another paper towel…only touched by me.

Maybe I am a germaphobe.

It is my normal procedure to pull off the first paper towel on the roll before I ever start “anything” in there.

Wow…I just re-read this and I think I should be on some medication.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | October 5, 2010


For the first time in…well…FOREVER, I caught myself looking at the lottery billboard this week and considering my escape plan.

This is not normal for me.

For the first time, I actually said that I should really start concentrating on some of my writing projects so I can quit my day job.

This is not normal for me.

I am hoping the extra travel and/or sickness is causing my angst.  Evidently you cannot rid yourself of angst through your nose…because there is a lot of stuff coming out of there, but none of it is angst…it is staying.

The sickness came about 16 hours after I landed at the airport and it now entering its fifth day.

I am not a good sick person.   My job requires that I function at a very high concentration level…and I am not functioning at anywhere close to 75%.

I can also isolate myself in my space so I do not infect anyone…even if I want to.

Maybe sneezing in the coffee pot would be a good way to spread my kindness.

Funny has been put on hold too.

Hopefully I can break this tonight.

Posted by: Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket | October 3, 2010

Five Thoughts 10-3-10

1. You can’t turn on a television these days without seeing Betty White everywhere.

And of course everyone loves Betty White…except Cloris Leachman. Betty is taking all of her work.

2. McDonalds has announced the return of it’s Monopoly game famed for buying and selling property, houses and hotels. If McDonalds french fries can’t pull the housing market out of turmoil…nothing can.

3. The male erotic dancer company Chipppendales has failed in its bid to copyright the bow tie and shirt cuff uniforms the dancers wear when performing, but it really shouldn’t impact them too much…they still have the market cornered on butt implants, body waxing and stuffing cucumbers in their spandex pants.

4. The Detroit Lions trying to get a win is like me trying to get a date in High School…


5. Only in San Francisco, could a transgender sex shop executive be labeled as a “conservative” candidate. Who could they find that would be any more “left” than her…Karl Marx?

Older Posts »



Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 28 other followers